Lately, I have been having great amounts of doubt as to Sir's ability to be the Dom He wishes to be. I do not like having doubt, and I know that this D/s arrangement is so new, and that we are both learning, and I just wonder where its going from here.
I have read a lot about D/s relationships. Doms not only expect their subs to submit to them, but they also seem to have a tendancy to PROVIDE. Structure, support, pushing the sub to better herself, and yes, didscipline.
I guess sometimes I flip back and forth...some days I want all thise ever day, others I think not. But I won't know, and He won't know, until we give it a real try. Last night he was doing something, perhaps taking the trash out???? And he stopped to explain to me where he was going and what he was doing, and added, "if that's ok with you" at the end. Not sarcastically...he really wanted to know if there was something else *I* needed him to do. This leaves me a little unsettled.
I worry that Sir does not have His own discipline to be able to set structure and stick to it. I worry that He doesn't know what's best for me, and how best to achieve it. I worry that He doesn't really care much one way or the other. He doesn't push me to improve or challenge me, he supports and encourages...in the sense of "if thts what you want to do I won't stop you," kind of tone.
I read an ad on Craigs List a few days ago, about a Dom looking for a new sub. It was long, and very descriptive, but it made me realize that I wanted a Dom like "that guy" - at least on paper...at least I think so (I don't know, I have never done this before!)...
We have been talking about Him finding a mentor, but I just feel like He is not very dedicated to this new arrangement. I don't know, maybe its just me not being satisfied, as usual, with things in my life.
I know that I asked for this, but I guess I just envisioned more than having to supress my (strong) opinion, getting dirty looks when I crack a joke or get feisty, and periodically get called "pet" and if I am lucky Sir might touch my skin or give me some affection.
Hopefully the reading we are both doing, and the people we are staring to meet, will help us both figure nout what we really want out of this. Sir asked me the other day if I thought He was a good Dom. I think he has the potential to be, but it is going to require work, dedication, stick-to-it-tiveness, and a loving, caring strenth that He is not used to demonstrating. Is He up for these changes? I don't know. I am up for finding out, though, because I believe that we are the right path for happier times in our marriage.
me
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wow. Just wow.
Last night was... indescribable - but I'm going to try.
Last night Sir took me to a BDSM dungeon. We attended their orientation class, which did an okay job of preparing us for what we were about to witness in the dungeon. While we were listening to the rules, the common terminology, etc., there were people walking back and forth from the lobby to the dungeon and back, in costume, on collars and leashes (yummy), carrying whips and other tools....I couldn't wait to get back there!
Finally, when the class was over, we got our temporary membership cards, and headed straight back for the dungeon. What a TREAT! Some things were downright scary for me, like the lady that was laying face down on a gynecologists table with needles through the skin on her ass, bleeding, getting paddled with the back of a brush, or the guy that was chained to an X-board, getting flogged HARD by somebody Sir unexpectedly recognized and knew from outside life. Heck we even saw another employee from my company there. LOL
Some of it was COMPLETELY hot, though. What grabbed my attention the most was a girl that I noticed before they even opened up the dungeon. She was a sub in a pink collar on a pink leash, who was obviously well trained. She came in to the room and immediately went to her knees. She filled out the forms quietly and all the while kept looking up to her master to be sure he wasn't requiring her attention at that moment. She looked around the room curiously, but her gaze went back up to her master every few seconds to see if he was watching her. She was very regal in her submission, and I admired her for it.
Watching her get spanked while tied up to the x-board, I learned a lot about how people prep the bottoms for such an activity. It seems that they always start out very slow, and work up to the heavy stuff. By the time her session was over, she had bandaids on her back from where her skin broke from the flogging.
I will admit that some of it really scared me, but I'm also very intrigued and ready to try.
There were people getting spanked, people getting pierced, people getting tied down and used, people being tickled while restrained, even one guy had some electrical equipment that he was using to apply shocks to his "victim" who was tied to a table.
And they all were eager for it - I didn't see anybody who wasn't enjoying the torture that was being delivered. People were lined up, waiting for it.
Honestly, it reminded me of a carnival... I felt like I needed to buy tickets. Five tickets for the flogging. Three tickets for the suction cup thingy that I *kind of* tried out. 15 tickets for the cage!
Yup...a cage. People being tied up with saran wrap...it was AWESOME.
I do hope that Sir and I can get to a place where we start defining our D/s relationship more clearly. I long for protocols, sessions, structure, etc. I do hope that He decides soon at least some of what He wants from me. I want to be submissive, but not every bit, all the time. I want a sort of informal 24/7, but I want formality for certain things, like when I'm wearing a collar, or how I'm expected to behave in public or around His friends.
I want MORE. (Sounds like me, doesn't it?)
Until next time....
me
Last night Sir took me to a BDSM dungeon. We attended their orientation class, which did an okay job of preparing us for what we were about to witness in the dungeon. While we were listening to the rules, the common terminology, etc., there were people walking back and forth from the lobby to the dungeon and back, in costume, on collars and leashes (yummy), carrying whips and other tools....I couldn't wait to get back there!
Finally, when the class was over, we got our temporary membership cards, and headed straight back for the dungeon. What a TREAT! Some things were downright scary for me, like the lady that was laying face down on a gynecologists table with needles through the skin on her ass, bleeding, getting paddled with the back of a brush, or the guy that was chained to an X-board, getting flogged HARD by somebody Sir unexpectedly recognized and knew from outside life. Heck we even saw another employee from my company there. LOL
Some of it was COMPLETELY hot, though. What grabbed my attention the most was a girl that I noticed before they even opened up the dungeon. She was a sub in a pink collar on a pink leash, who was obviously well trained. She came in to the room and immediately went to her knees. She filled out the forms quietly and all the while kept looking up to her master to be sure he wasn't requiring her attention at that moment. She looked around the room curiously, but her gaze went back up to her master every few seconds to see if he was watching her. She was very regal in her submission, and I admired her for it.
Watching her get spanked while tied up to the x-board, I learned a lot about how people prep the bottoms for such an activity. It seems that they always start out very slow, and work up to the heavy stuff. By the time her session was over, she had bandaids on her back from where her skin broke from the flogging.
I will admit that some of it really scared me, but I'm also very intrigued and ready to try.
There were people getting spanked, people getting pierced, people getting tied down and used, people being tickled while restrained, even one guy had some electrical equipment that he was using to apply shocks to his "victim" who was tied to a table.
And they all were eager for it - I didn't see anybody who wasn't enjoying the torture that was being delivered. People were lined up, waiting for it.
Honestly, it reminded me of a carnival... I felt like I needed to buy tickets. Five tickets for the flogging. Three tickets for the suction cup thingy that I *kind of* tried out. 15 tickets for the cage!
Yup...a cage. People being tied up with saran wrap...it was AWESOME.
I do hope that Sir and I can get to a place where we start defining our D/s relationship more clearly. I long for protocols, sessions, structure, etc. I do hope that He decides soon at least some of what He wants from me. I want to be submissive, but not every bit, all the time. I want a sort of informal 24/7, but I want formality for certain things, like when I'm wearing a collar, or how I'm expected to behave in public or around His friends.
I want MORE. (Sounds like me, doesn't it?)
Until next time....
me
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A new favorite toy
Sir bought me an under-the-bed restraint system today. I didn't expect to use it, as Sir was not feeling well tonight, and we went to the "toy store" mostly as a way to cheer him up.
We set it up, and then decided to just see if it was all we'd hoped it would be.
Well, that turned into an unexpected session..
Sir tied me up in the restraints, and spanked me for flirting with guys off of Craigs List personals... it was HOT. And then, another one of my fantasies fulfilled, as he crawled up on top of me, sat on my chest, and fucked my mouth until he nearly came... I wanted him to cum, but I didn't want the fun to stop.
Then he released my legs and hiked them up, and fucked me hard...
Then he released my arms and ordered me to suck him...and I happily did until he rewarded me by exploding into my mouth.
Wow...what a surprise ending to a crappy day!
THANK YOU, Sir, for making me go to bed with a smile on my face!
We set it up, and then decided to just see if it was all we'd hoped it would be.
Well, that turned into an unexpected session..
Sir tied me up in the restraints, and spanked me for flirting with guys off of Craigs List personals... it was HOT. And then, another one of my fantasies fulfilled, as he crawled up on top of me, sat on my chest, and fucked my mouth until he nearly came... I wanted him to cum, but I didn't want the fun to stop.
Then he released my legs and hiked them up, and fucked me hard...
Then he released my arms and ordered me to suck him...and I happily did until he rewarded me by exploding into my mouth.
Wow...what a surprise ending to a crappy day!
THANK YOU, Sir, for making me go to bed with a smile on my face!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Discombobulated
Dear Diary,
I am all out of sorts today, and I am not sure why. I don't know what's going on, I don't even know how I feel, which is kind of weird for me.
I think I am worried that we are doing too much too fast. And I think a lot of that is on me. I want so bad to please Sir that I asked for more opportu ities to present and show Him how I care, but now in hindisght I am wondering if that is putting too much pressure on us both.
I am going to send Sir an email about these thoughts, but putting them here helps me sort them out a bit first I suppse.
I am worried about my personality getting lost or squashed in all of this. I am called "feisty" for a reason, but feel like being my usual feisty self is being disrespectful to Sir...and I like the New Man He is becoming, but at thesame time I do not want to lose my "spark". I guess that's why we haven't agreed to anything specific yet - we still need to figure it out!
I think that we will figure it out. Sometimes Sir gets wrapped up pleasing me he forgets to be the disciplined one who says, "slow down, we'll get there." But like we both keep saying, its a work in progress, and we are new.
I think Sir wants to follow some model or something, but I think that really all we can do is get ideas of what works for others, and do what works for us. There's no book that says "Chris and Diane - do it this way and you will be happy." We have to write our own book.
I think that being a Dom for me will be difficult. Sometimes I want to be controlled, other times I just want to be left alone. There's no rhyme or reason to it, it just is.
These are my discombobulated ponderings this morning... maybe later they will all make sense and fall in to an orderly line that I can make sense of later. :)
me
I am all out of sorts today, and I am not sure why. I don't know what's going on, I don't even know how I feel, which is kind of weird for me.
I think I am worried that we are doing too much too fast. And I think a lot of that is on me. I want so bad to please Sir that I asked for more opportu ities to present and show Him how I care, but now in hindisght I am wondering if that is putting too much pressure on us both.
I am going to send Sir an email about these thoughts, but putting them here helps me sort them out a bit first I suppse.
I am worried about my personality getting lost or squashed in all of this. I am called "feisty" for a reason, but feel like being my usual feisty self is being disrespectful to Sir...and I like the New Man He is becoming, but at thesame time I do not want to lose my "spark". I guess that's why we haven't agreed to anything specific yet - we still need to figure it out!
I think that we will figure it out. Sometimes Sir gets wrapped up pleasing me he forgets to be the disciplined one who says, "slow down, we'll get there." But like we both keep saying, its a work in progress, and we are new.
I think Sir wants to follow some model or something, but I think that really all we can do is get ideas of what works for others, and do what works for us. There's no book that says "Chris and Diane - do it this way and you will be happy." We have to write our own book.
I think that being a Dom for me will be difficult. Sometimes I want to be controlled, other times I just want to be left alone. There's no rhyme or reason to it, it just is.
These are my discombobulated ponderings this morning... maybe later they will all make sense and fall in to an orderly line that I can make sense of later. :)
me
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Nice Day
Dear Diary,
It's a nice day out today. Sir did yard work this morning, cutting the grass, trimming the weeds, etc., and I did my homework for school, and then dyed my hair to Sir's liking (I hope). Right now I am letting the conditioner set, while I play Farkle. Then, we will go grocery shopping and hopefully have some time to take a walk and do some geocaching before Sir has to take His son home for the weekend, and we have my son and his father over for dinner.
Today Sir asked me if I am still okay with the D/s roles. I like that he checks in with me and tries to make sure I am comfortable in this lifestyle that we are trying out. So far I am. I have a couple moments of resentment here and there, which I read is quite normal for a beginner, as well as a more experienced sub. Also, I am very used to being the one in control, so it's a bit of an adjustment for me, but I think I'm getting it down.
I am looking forward to my next session with Sir. I do want to learn more about what He wants from me, and how I can be a better sub for Him. I also am craving his touch, and hope that it won't be long before I am rewarded.
I believe that I have earned some discipline from Sir as well, and I'm a little nervous about that. Yesterday I was a bit bossy, and I didn't do everything that I said I would do this weekend, so I am sure that consequences are coming. I think I have a tendancy to take advantage of the times when Sir cannot discipline me, like when he has his son visiting or when we have my kids around, or plans for other things. I read recently that subs tend to push the limits to see what they can get away with, and I've noticed myself doing that lately, just to see if He actually WILL discipline me like He says he will. He hasn't yet, and honestly I'm not sure if He will. But time will tell, I suppose.
I better get in the shower so we can get our errands done today.
Loving my new role,
me
It's a nice day out today. Sir did yard work this morning, cutting the grass, trimming the weeds, etc., and I did my homework for school, and then dyed my hair to Sir's liking (I hope). Right now I am letting the conditioner set, while I play Farkle. Then, we will go grocery shopping and hopefully have some time to take a walk and do some geocaching before Sir has to take His son home for the weekend, and we have my son and his father over for dinner.
Today Sir asked me if I am still okay with the D/s roles. I like that he checks in with me and tries to make sure I am comfortable in this lifestyle that we are trying out. So far I am. I have a couple moments of resentment here and there, which I read is quite normal for a beginner, as well as a more experienced sub. Also, I am very used to being the one in control, so it's a bit of an adjustment for me, but I think I'm getting it down.
I am looking forward to my next session with Sir. I do want to learn more about what He wants from me, and how I can be a better sub for Him. I also am craving his touch, and hope that it won't be long before I am rewarded.
I believe that I have earned some discipline from Sir as well, and I'm a little nervous about that. Yesterday I was a bit bossy, and I didn't do everything that I said I would do this weekend, so I am sure that consequences are coming. I think I have a tendancy to take advantage of the times when Sir cannot discipline me, like when he has his son visiting or when we have my kids around, or plans for other things. I read recently that subs tend to push the limits to see what they can get away with, and I've noticed myself doing that lately, just to see if He actually WILL discipline me like He says he will. He hasn't yet, and honestly I'm not sure if He will. But time will tell, I suppose.
I better get in the shower so we can get our errands done today.
Loving my new role,
me
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Normalcy
This morning I read the blog of a submissive who was unhappy because her life has been "normal" for the past couple of weeks. I could relate to her, after a couple of Sessions with Sir...the intensity of the feelings from that are incredible. She did say that she didn't think she could handle that level of intensity all the time, but she felt way overdue for D/s play.
So I got to thinking about my life...and I like normal. I think maybe because we have always been abnormal, that I have learned to appreciate normalcy, just as much as I revel in the kink perhaps.
This day is a normal day. We just dropped Kym off at her new job, now we are eating a nice Saturday morning breakfast, before we fill our day with the mundane. We will be studying, cleaning, fixing, rearranging...just doing normal family stuff.
After last year, just being "a family" and doing normal htings, is something that I absolutely love and cherish.
So I got to thinking about my life...and I like normal. I think maybe because we have always been abnormal, that I have learned to appreciate normalcy, just as much as I revel in the kink perhaps.
This day is a normal day. We just dropped Kym off at her new job, now we are eating a nice Saturday morning breakfast, before we fill our day with the mundane. We will be studying, cleaning, fixing, rearranging...just doing normal family stuff.
After last year, just being "a family" and doing normal htings, is something that I absolutely love and cherish.
Friday, May 14, 2010
a fine morning
Sir held me this morning after the alarm went off. It is always nice to wake up with his arms around me. But his hands...his wonderful hands...when he caresses me it takes up my skin. This morning my skin wanted more. I was able to coax him into touching my hot spots, which he liked, because I found him hard, and I touched him back. He made love to me for a little bit, and then told me to get ready for work.
I am very much enjoying this new "freedom" to express my simpler needs, wants, and desires. For some reason, me always being in control means I do not feel free to beg for that touch. I crave his attention, and I am really liking getting it.
I want to learn more about being a sub. I am really looking forward to learning what he wants from me. I like the idea of him just grabbing me whener he wants and fingering me, or telling me to suck his dick, or even non sexual things like when I should cook dinner, or take vacation, or what events he expects me to attend with him.
Being instructed on how to behave, and how to please is exciting for me. I am sure that in some cases I won't want that, but for now, I actually find myself wanting more of it.
I was reading about Dom/sub concepts last night, and find myself getting quite excited over the prospect of being more of a sub. For the first timem especially after that first session, I am beginning to understand the concept of "sub space" and already I want more. I can see myself becoming almost "addicted" to that feeling...I am craving it evennow.
I want to go to the Sanctuary and learn more. I wish to be restrained, blindfolded, put on display. I know that now is not the time, that is something that we may or may not build up to...but right now, this moment...that is my fantasy!
Until later....
me
I am very much enjoying this new "freedom" to express my simpler needs, wants, and desires. For some reason, me always being in control means I do not feel free to beg for that touch. I crave his attention, and I am really liking getting it.
I want to learn more about being a sub. I am really looking forward to learning what he wants from me. I like the idea of him just grabbing me whener he wants and fingering me, or telling me to suck his dick, or even non sexual things like when I should cook dinner, or take vacation, or what events he expects me to attend with him.
Being instructed on how to behave, and how to please is exciting for me. I am sure that in some cases I won't want that, but for now, I actually find myself wanting more of it.
I was reading about Dom/sub concepts last night, and find myself getting quite excited over the prospect of being more of a sub. For the first timem especially after that first session, I am beginning to understand the concept of "sub space" and already I want more. I can see myself becoming almost "addicted" to that feeling...I am craving it evennow.
I want to go to the Sanctuary and learn more. I wish to be restrained, blindfolded, put on display. I know that now is not the time, that is something that we may or may not build up to...but right now, this moment...that is my fantasy!
Until later....
me
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