Dear Diary,
I am all out of sorts today, and I am not sure why. I don't know what's going on, I don't even know how I feel, which is kind of weird for me.
I think I am worried that we are doing too much too fast. And I think a lot of that is on me. I want so bad to please Sir that I asked for more opportu ities to present and show Him how I care, but now in hindisght I am wondering if that is putting too much pressure on us both.
I am going to send Sir an email about these thoughts, but putting them here helps me sort them out a bit first I suppse.
I am worried about my personality getting lost or squashed in all of this. I am called "feisty" for a reason, but feel like being my usual feisty self is being disrespectful to Sir...and I like the New Man He is becoming, but at thesame time I do not want to lose my "spark". I guess that's why we haven't agreed to anything specific yet - we still need to figure it out!
I think that we will figure it out. Sometimes Sir gets wrapped up pleasing me he forgets to be the disciplined one who says, "slow down, we'll get there." But like we both keep saying, its a work in progress, and we are new.
I think Sir wants to follow some model or something, but I think that really all we can do is get ideas of what works for others, and do what works for us. There's no book that says "Chris and Diane - do it this way and you will be happy." We have to write our own book.
I think that being a Dom for me will be difficult. Sometimes I want to be controlled, other times I just want to be left alone. There's no rhyme or reason to it, it just is.
These are my discombobulated ponderings this morning... maybe later they will all make sense and fall in to an orderly line that I can make sense of later. :)
me
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M and I reached a point where I panicked that I would lose myself, who I am at my core, the person I define myself to be. As time goes by, I have realized that it has been quite the opposite. submitting to Him has allowed me to express parts of who I am that I never would have otherwise admitted even existed. He told me He's has no desire to "break" His toy, and, while I can be a pain in the ass, there is nothing exciting about Dominating the weak, that it is more rewarding to have strength on her knees at His feet than a one without a mind of their own. That's kind of how it works for us. I think you are right, there is no universal template to follow. Each Dom and sub is unique and so will their relationship be. Best of luck for you and your journey of discovery!
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