Good couple of days

So... yesterday we decided to try D/s again... only with me being the "s"...

I hadn't told him (I don't think) about my desires to be controlled, to be able to give over control, to a strong man who could make me feel comfortable and safe. I think he knew, but I hadn't really sat down with him and talked about it, you know?

I guess I realized it last year, when he and I were going through that horrible year... when I had that night with JF in his hotel room, and he felt so strong and powerful to me, and I just wanted him (in that moment) to scoop me up and tell me it was going to be okay. After I got over being pissed that he wouldn't sleep with me, I did a lot of thinking about that feeling I'd had... and I realized that with the right guy, I could feel safe, and I WANTED that. For the first time ever, I actually had a coherent thought that I'd LIKE to be able to just GIVE IN and trust somebody, and love somebody, and let him take care of ME.

Admitting that, has been difficult. I'm still not ready to fully accept that. I mean, all my life, I've been fighting to stand up for ME. Fighting to not have to rely on anybody who could let me down or hurt me.

More recently, I recall Sparky telling me, shortly after we got back together... we were talking about how he seemed to care more about Laura's feelings than mine when it was time for him to leave her. He said to me... something about how she was hurting, and he didn't want her to hurt...and I was upset because he didn't feel that way about me... and he said something along the lines of the fact that he didn't want me to hurt either, but I was strong enough to be able to handle it.

I didn't talk to anybody about that, but I have come to realize that my fight to be "the strong one" all these years is a big part of why I never felt like any man loved me the way I needed to be loved. Inside I'm just a big child who needs affection, love, attention, coddling, protection... but on the outside, I never let anybody see those weaknesses because life has taught me that if you show those weaknesses, they get exploited. So what happens? People don't see the person inside, and I get hurt anyway.

Deciding to try to be a sub to Sparky is a huge deal for me. I'm not totally sold on it yet, but I'm willing to try, and I'm eager, and hopeful. Right now, much of it seems focused on sex, and I don't know if I want it to be that way. I mean, the sex part is great - no, FANTASTIC... we are having a lot of fun, and I'm learning some things about myself I never knew - like I really can handle being tied up... in fact I am really getting into it, and want MORE - more restrictive, more severe restraint...

But I want more than that. Like this morning. When he told me he wanted me to make dinner tonight. I liked it. Now, we'll see if I like it when I'm in a bad mood, or I'm PMSing or something, but he communicated...he told me clearly what he wanted and what I needed to do to please him.

Pleasing Sparky has been a guessing game for almost ten years. I'm hoping this is the ticket to unlocking the cheat codes for that game. I suspect that it might be... and with the codes for the game, I think we can win.

I feel precious. For the first time, I feel... special. He opened the door for me when we came home today, instead of walking through it first. He didn't do it because my hands were full. He opened the gate for me too. He says that since I'm "his pet" it feels different. I'm hoping it stays different!

Okay... so it's a long one... they probably all will be. I mean - Sir... you *did* tell me to do it electronically. I can type like a hundred times faster than I can write. :)